Honestly, if Hoppie and I were swapped around and my ring was in the picture, this would probably be the photo I sent to the paper announcing our engagement. Why? Because this may be the most accurate snapshot of our life.

This also counts: http://www.girlswithslingshots.com/comic/gws-1224/

I was staring at my computer screen for a while just watching the damn cursor blink. After a while of false starts and being mad at my lack of ideas I decided to be proactive.

I went to social media.

I put out a call for blog topic ideas and had my prayers answered. I will go with the first topic I was thrown and if any more pop up I will try to blend them in. Let’s do this shall we?

Did you guys know that the Avengers movie has nearly tripled the sales for shawarma shops? That’s awesome! Tony Stark could have uttered any other place. He could have regurgitated an ad. “Maybe we can go the Burger King and get some of their famous flame broiled burgers!” But no. He named shawarma.

Tony Stark is all about combating war criminals, promoting green energy, and making the American people swarm to shawarma.

MEANWHILE SOMEONE STOLE HARRISON FORD’S FAMILY AND HE. IS. PIIIIISSSSSED.

And this…

I would also like to share with you the perfect recipe.

POPTART SANDWICHES

2 PopTarts
1 giant jar of Peanut butter
1 smaller jar of jelly, optional and of contrasting flavor to the poptart
1 container of sprinkles

Slather the unfrosted sides of the poptarts with generous amounts of peanut butter. On one poptart put a thin layer of jelly. On the other poptart use all the sprinkles. Smush the peanut buttered sides together. Consume.

What is the lesson of this whole post? My friends cannot be trusted to give me ideas. Or maybe just not in the middle of the night. The witching hour seems to turn my friends into crazy people…. Correction: crazier people. Or maybe I am just not talented enough to string all these random things together. I am inclined to believe both are likely.

After much struggle and fretting I finally got a small blog, blurb put up on a local site. HERE. Feel free to like the crap out of it. I want to do more of those because it is going to help me learn to write with a different voice. You’ll notice I didn’t swear once, punctuate like this !!!! or CAPSLOCKCRUISECONTROL. That’s only for you guys. Don’t you feel shiny and special? I know I would!

Thank you for everyone who made it this far. You are brave soldiers and I appreciate you.

Last week I told my lady doctor that I was sleepy a lot and I was worried I was skirting the line of anemia again. When I donate blood the part where they test iron levels is always a gamble with me. Sometimes I make it farther, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes when I do the iron test I play I fail because I don’t really want to donate blood but the Red Cross is run by bullies and trick me in there twice a year.

Me: Hmmm. Who is calling me? Maybe it’s my boss…. Hello?
Call: Hello Abbey! This is the Red Cross
My brain: SHIT SHIT SHIT!
(Then I agree to donate because I don’t want to be rude.)

When I told my doctor I was worried about my iron levels it never occurred to me that they would need to test me for it and that’s how I ended up getting bloodwork done. Tuesday mornings really aren’t complete without SURPRISE BLOODWORK.

Anyway they called and said I’m not iron deficient. No, in fact I am vitamin D deficient.

I laughed. Hard.

You mean I’m not getting enough sun? The queen of sunscreen has vitamin D problems? No really, what’s this really about?

They explained some reasons that I might be deficient. I told her that if I time traveled to the Britain 1837 I would be considered royalty and no one would gaze directly at me. I know exactly why I am vitamin D deficient.

After I got off the phone I immediately turned to the internet. Thirty minutes later I realized I was on WebMD reading about rickets. Aaand now I’m pretty sure I have rickets. All my bones are about one sneeze away from disintegrating. (Everyone seems convinced that I don’t have rickets but that’s the same thing they said when I was convinced I had testicular cancer.)

Is there a point to any of this other than explaining my massive hypochondria? No. I just want you all to know that my War Against the Sun has reached a new level. Not today, Helios! (This is where I was about to insert a picture of Kratos ripping off Helios’ head but this is a family blog!) (Or…. I was sure only 2 people would understand.) (Screw it, this blog needs more pictures!)

I’m not sure if it’s coincidence or FATE but the news story going around is about a leather faced crazy lady who let her daughter tan in tanning beds. Was the girl really burned in a tanning bed? Who cares? She got sunburned so bad she was in crazy pain. At 6? And have you seen this mom? She looks like she is running around in black face. Whether she put that little girl in a tanning bed is irrelevant. She put her daughter in danger of CANCER. Yes guys. CANCER. Getting sunburned that young and/or ofter makes you at risk every time. Sun or tanning bed.

It is hard to express my anger over all this. I get it, being tan is awesome and makes you sexy. Being pale is gross and makes people spit on you in public. It gives you vitamin D so you don’t die of a debilitating case of rickets. But kids don’t need to be tan.

And in case you haven’t figured it out, Toddlers and Tiaras makes me want to punch people in the neck.

What is the lesson? I need Flinstone vitamins and anger management classes. And your children need sunscreen. And you need sunscreen. Everyone needs sunscreen. The sun is evil and trying to kill you. Please take this photo as evidence:

The sun is bright and full of terrors

I would like to point out the I Googled the title of this post to be sure I spelled boneitis correctly. I typed in “my only regret is” and it auto filled the rest. I’m not sure if it is Google knowing me too well or the rest of the Internet being awesome. Either way, high fives for everyone.

Welcome to my Kind-of-Sort-of-Live blog of tonight’s episode of Game of Thrones.

Word of warning for those of you wishing to avoid spoilers… AVOID THIS POST. No seriously, I will ruin everything for you.

I have read all the books. Have you read all the books? No? Okay. Close this window… No, wait. BOOKMARK this page and come back when you’ve seen the episode. I know spoilers are the worst and I have now given you all more than enough warning.

Everyone reading after this sentence is doing so at their own risk and I am free of blame.

Okay, it’s just us cool kids now. I would like to say that I went to the store today looking to buy a peach in honor of Renly but apparently they aren’t in season right now so I had to buy a can of sliced peaches. I feel like it’s not the same but I do have the added bonus of being able to pour out some of the syrup onto the floor. THIS ONE’S FOR YOU RENLY. YOU MY BOOOOY!

I probably won’t do that. That seems like it would be a bitch to clean up. I mean, did you guys watch Flavor of Love? I watched the first season religiously because I hated myself and that was my own version of cutting. When he poured out champagne for each of the girls that he booted, was anyone else confused? I thought that was an honoring thing? Also, who had to clean that up? Do rich people just get to spill things and come back to a clean carpet? I spill things and avoid it until it starts to spell or grow a face. Being poor is the WORST.

I feel like I’ve gotten off topic. So, without further ado, let’s begin!

Abbey’s Unabridged Thoughts on Tonight’s Episode of Game of Thrones:

- I keep forgetting how many characters are in this damn series.

- Renly has the best armor ever.

-And it did him no good.

- Brienne. I’m in lesbians with you.

- I wish they would have shown Loras losing his shit. Brienne of Tarth’s outrage will have to do.

- Margaery Tyrell needs to get to King’s Landing. And soon.

- It took me a while to warm up to Davos in the books. I am really enjoying how he is in the show. Maybe when someone pointed out he looked like Ron Swanson. Hard to tell.

- Haha. Theon. You suck. No one likes you.

- Oh… There was the spark of evil ideas. I hate you Theon. You’re a tool and I don’t feel sorry for your future.

- Is it just me or does Jaqen look like Lieutenant Dan? (post edit: Visual proof)

- Who picks the camping spots for the Night’s Watch? “Hey! Look! A cliff! Yes, let’s make camp there!”

- Screw this place. I’m moving to Iceland.

- Pyromancers will either look like crazy old men of bad ass fire wizards from hell. I see we went the crazy old man version. Drat.

- That’s the No Smoking room.

- DRAGONS!

- Oh! So many good shots of Dany’s hair. I may finally be able to figure out that damned style! #girlproblems

- Qarth has a lady spiderman!

- I LOVE THIS PART! (Brienne pledging loyalty to Cat)

- I have all the feels!!

- Oh. Poor Rickon. You wild little wolf.

- Bran. Bran the Beatle, er, Builder. Yes.

- Okay. I know you guys are northerners and all. You boys need to start wearing hats. You’ll catch your death out there!

- Look behind the door first, girl! Don’t marry for money you can’t see!!

- Iain Glen has the best voice ever.

- Arya. Gendry isn’t smaller standing to his side. The boy is a bucket of bones!

- Hoppie: “He’s like a genie!”

Fin.

Thank you for joining me on this little experiment. Worth it? Let me know. (Oh! Just saw next week’s preview. Exciting!)

…I keep thinking it, but did anyone else expect just a bit more blood when Renly got killed? Thoughts on the episode? Let me know!

(Full disclosure, I’ve had a glass of wine)

I decided today that I want to yarn bomb my town in some fashion. I am thinking the park, benches, lamp posts and other boring things. This town gets a little antsy about their statues so I think I’ll steer clear… FOR NOW. Anyone ever done something like this? Hold on, let me clarify. Has anyone ever done yarn bombing in a small-ish city where there is a real concern a yarn covered lamp post would cause social unrest?

My cat hissed at me the other day with her ears still perked up. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I may or may not have just picked up a local, free lance blogging gig. I’m very excited and yes, I will post links there so you can all see them and comment. Suggestions: “THIS POST IS AWESOME. SO AWESOME IN FACT I THINK YOU SHOULD PAY THIS BLOGGER CASH.”

I am still toying with my layout. I added a crappy banner to it because the lack of pictures upset me. Because while Han Solo, Tetra and Renly Baratheon in black and white really gives my blog edge… I think I should keep working on it.

I think my discovery of QuickPress will the death of us all. It will be like tweets… with titles!!

New, real post coming soon. I promise. Although, if you are in need of a good, NAY, great read I highly recommend Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson aka @bloggess. She is my writing hero and frankly, I have been ready Hoppie passages from it constantly for the last 2 days. I think he may kill me. (My reading skills are a bit… awful. Plus I giggle through it all I’m sure it just sounds like gibberish.)

Have an excellent weekend my friends and please remember, let the wookiee win.

Hello my fair and gentle readers. Welcome to the new and improved It’s Just Abbey Dot Com.

What’s with the sudden change you ask?

Well, a band of rogue pirate highjacked the site and began using it as a front for black market salmon trading. After I spent three weeks tracking down their base in an east Indiana suburb, I fought them all in hand to hand combat to win back control of my precious blog. The rules were simple. Rule 1: No hair pulling. Rule 2: If you have a good kill shot, take it.

I killed three men with my bare hands that night and in my savage blood lust I ate the hearts of their leaders while dancing to The Allman Brothers Anthology set.

Little did I know they had already destroyed my site and blown up my house in the process. I was website-less and homeless. Tetra was pissed. Hoppie wasn’t too upset because insurance covered most of the damage. Protip: If you buy a house, ALWAYS opt for the Pirate insurance.

So I had to rebuild. And rebuild I did.

This site is made out of 100% Jamaican redwood and held together by zebra striped duct tape. It is powered by hopes, dreams, rainbows and the tears of the fallen.

….Or… I got hacked and it was WAY too much work to edit all my posts. So here we are and hopefully you guys won’t get anymore virus warnings!

I am going to use this as a chance to get back on a schedule and focus my writing. I’m not sure right now what the focus will be but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. Although I have 150+ virus laden blog posts with no semblance of direction that would prove otherwise.

Oh! Also, I added SHARE buttons! Oooooh! Aaaahhhh! Please don’t hesitate to annoy your friends with my awesome posts. I’m sure they will thank you later. I added Pintrest but I’m not really sure what that site even is, other than really annoying via Facebook.

The new IJA.com is officially started! Any requests? Any opinions? Questions? Let me know!